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Things we can stop saying in business

August 26, 2010

We only hire smart people

Good. The place I worked before only hired dumbasses, and no not Mr. Dumass from an A&W Root Beer commercial, but 100% certified USDA glue sniffers.

When presenting we open with, “feel free to interrupt, this is informal.”

Has anyone ever walked in and told their audience to sit there, shut up, and take your medicine? They brought me in to talk, not you, so I’d appreciate if you keep your pie hole shut? Also if it is formal do I need to wear dress attire, nod my head, and scream, “I concur!” after every good point?

We want to be the employer of choice

All right, now we’re talking. I mean what is the alternative? We want to have the best cafeteria. We don’t believe in caning… in most cases. We are fully committed to being the place that someone doesn’t go postal. We know we can’t be the best that is why we hope you’ll think of us when you have been fired, laid off, or simply tired of living in your parent’s basement.

Our work environment is just like family

Really? So who is the crazy uncle that still thinks it is funny to play the pull my finger joke or look what happens when I squeeze your ear? And the second cousin twice removed who is a self-proclaimed “cat whisperer”? I personally like weekly staff meetings when the conversation comes to a screeching halt to break up the twin brothers’ wedgie fever game. Wait, I take this one back. OK, yes, work is like family.

We want to be your partner

Well howdy then! And just when I lost hope, you saved the day. The last agency we worked with wanted to take our money and wave their private parts at our aunties. And the one before that told us that we had a great personality, but they needed to end things. It was them, not us.

Ok, what did I miss?

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