Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

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On the Eve of Independence

August 15, 2012

I have found myself saying, “I can’t believe how fast time has gone” more and more these past five years of being a parent. Almost to the point where I know I am annoying other people because I am annoying myself. But the truth is, it has gone fast. Tomorrow my first child… my little girl… my sweetie… is going to kindergarten.

Addi has given me the greatest gift I could have ever been given, the opportunity to be a father to a daughter. I’ve had to learn patience, how to remove a “piggy holder” without pulling hair, change a diaper, cry and not feel unmanly, love deeper than I ever have, and to understand and embrace change.

It is that last one that gets us all. It hits us deep. Our little ones aren’t so little. They aren’t so dependent. They are growing up and in a fast way.

It all hit me tonight. Maybe I internalized it, maybe I tried to avoid it, but it is here. As a parent none of us are really prepared, how could you? Until you have been through 12 weeks of sleep deprivation, spit up, mustard poop, crying (from all involved), when does the belly button fall off, and any other first time parent stresses, as a civilization we would have died off long ago if this thing came with a pre-test.

Those first 12 weeks of her life seem so distant now. She has changed, I have changed, our family has changed, our lives have changed.

Addi, I know you’ll do well, not just in kindergarten, but in life. Your sense of humor, your compassion, your competitiveness, your kind heart, your smile, will all serve you well. I have had the privilege of seeing you grow as a helpless infant into a classy and fabulous five year old who has helped her old man understand the importance and priority of things in life. You have given me an even greater love and respect for my parents, your mother, your brother, my sister, our entire family and friends, and that what we do in life means nothing, if we aren’t living for something greater than our own self.

When you get on the steps of that bus tomorrow and we wave as you head off on your next journey, don’t forget the thousands of amazing steps we have already taken in your first five years together. I only wish with every step you take, I could hold your hand, because it is so damn hard to let go.

I’m proud of you. I adore you. I love you Addi.
Dad

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5 things I never thought I’d see musically

November 15, 2010

I am a huge fan of music. However lately some of the music that is on the radio makes me wonder how these “artists” got contracts. For someone who can’t sing it gives me hope. And then my iPod dies in the middle of “Hey Ya” by Outkast and no, I mean no, studio post work could help my falsetto.

However it did get me thinking about five things in music I never thought I’d see in my lifetime.

Straight Outta Compton and Straight Into Carmel
Ice Cube is in kid’s movies, Dr. Dre is in Dr. Pepper commercials, and Ice-T is in TV dramas. I wonder how may parents who watched “Are we there yet” actually know who O’Shea Jackson is. The truth in this was my mom cheering for Lil Kim on Dancing with the Stars. I guess “It’s All About the Benjamins.” What.

Someone sampled a Lionel Richie song and it wasn’t “Dancing on the Ceiling
I am not a fan of Enrique Iglesias, although I did go as him for Halloween several years ago. I had a sock hat, tight sweater, fake mole, and a nametag that said, “Hello, Let me be your hero.” He sampled “All Night Long” for “I Like It”. I didn’t. I guess I am glad he didn’t sample “Hello” and have to remake a video where he stalks a blind woman who used modeling clay to create a giant horse-head replica of Enrique. Freaky.

Michael Jackson died
I mean no disrespect with this since he left children behind, but if anyone was going to live forever it was MJ. He slept in a hyberbaric chamber, had all the money in the world, and had his plastic surgeon on speed dial (actually I think it was the woman above with the modeling clay.) So much for the “We are the World” 100 year anniversary special in 2085 with Mike there live.

Paperboy didn’t have another hit after “Ditty
Oh no wait, yes he did, he just changed his name to Nelly. Seriously they do sound eerily similar.

This guy never made it big in the US, Mr. Trololo Guy, Eduard Khil
I’m not even sure if this is a real person. He looks like an automated death machine from one of the late 70s James Bond movies. And the high notes he hits in the middle are not human. Yet his stage presence is captivating, engaging, and can’t turn away good.

Is there anything you have seen that surprises you?

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A recent trip to the grocery store made me think of a simple question, “How do you not know?”

October 7, 2010

There are three things that constantly seem to pop up that just amaze me. And it amazes me even more when these things happen in a business setting.

Plumber’s Butt
OK no matter what you call it, builder’s bum, sideways smile, butt cleavage, coin slot, and on and on, how don’t you know? As I mentioned above I headed into the grocery store to pick up a couple of items. As I headed back to the dairy aisle the stock boy bending over to pick up a carton of yogurt and his San Andreas Fault line rudely greeted me. From a practical standpoint, how annoying is it to keep pulling your pants up or feeling a breeze on your bum? Get a new pair of pants, a belt, or a longer shirt. Just cover the crack and do us all a favor.

B.I.V.
No not Bell Biv Devoe, which is a good thing. Poison, Let Me Know Something, BBD (I thought it was me), ahh… throws me back to ninth grade at Keith Junior High School in Altoona. No I am talking about Booger in View (B.I.V.), bat in the cave, whistler’s brother, and the dreaded nose goblin. How don’t you know that every time you breathe it sounds like a teakettle ready to burst or that your green guest keeps playing peek-a-boo as you talk? I know this one can be unexpected if something shakes loose, but look at people’s eyes when you are talking. If they can’t take their gaze off of your nostrils or they keep rubbing their nose, you may have a problem.

Bad breath
So for lunch you grab an onion bagel sandwich with garlic spread, a side of FUNYUNS, and then wash it down with a coffee. Hint, your breath may stink. How don’t you know that your breath smells so bad that every time you talk your teeth duck? Or others may actually look forward to you passing gas as a more tolerable option. When I was at the grocery store I saw they have things called mints and gum. These do a great job of at least covering up the toxic gas that is being omitted from your pie hole.

Is anyone else out there witnessing other interesting behavior? Are these happening to you at work?

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After suffering the big sister pinch of death as a younger brother… it all worked out ok

October 1, 2010

My sister is celebrating a big milestone birthday today. I won’t mention which one, but let’s just say any age is now the new 30. And honestly age doesn’t really matter anyway. If you stay current, love life, keep a positive mental attitude, and take care of yourself, they’ll be many years ahead of getting carded when buying a nice bottle of Pinot.

I always struggle with what to get her. She is an architect, has amazingly cool style, and lives out East where trends come and go before we see them here in the ol’ Midwest. I didn’t want to get one of those yard signs, you know, “A little birdy told me your thirty” or “Lordy Lordy guess who is 40?”, I bet I know, the person who lives in the house with the stupid yard sign and 40 foot inflatable purple gorilla.

Instead I thought I’d focus on some of the things my big sis taught me in life.

Be yourself
Gina has never afraid to be an individual. From how you dress, to your belief system, to what kind of car you drive. If it feels right go with it. Only you can truly be the judge.

Be musical
I can’t sing and when I do there is a slight seismic shift in the Earth’s crust. Gina is a great musician and appreciates the joy of music. I grew up with her influences of the 80s; Edie Brickell, Paul Simon, Depeche Mode, Peter Gabriel, and on and on. That background really set the foundation for me moving forward. I might not like country all that much, but I certainly appreciate the songwriting, passion, and effort put into sharing yourself through music.

Be passionate
My sister has many passions. Cooking, baking, architecture, family, friends, music, and really anything that requires creativity, cool, and a unique perspective. A couple of years ago she made a pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving. It wasn’t the fact it was one of the best desserts I had ever had, it was the care and connection with what she was doing that was impressive.

Be tough
My sister is 5’7 and five and a half years older than me. I didn’t grow until I was in high school. Do the math, she always seemed to be a foot taller through half of my life. Sure I was stronger, but she had a pinch that made the Vulcan Nerve Pinch feel like a day at the spa. She found a way to quickly get me to stop whatever annoyance I was causing. She was tough by being smart. Which leads me to…

Always be learning
I might be a better athlete (although even there I’m not sure), but one thing I am 100% certain, is that I am not match from an intellectual standpoint with my sister. And she is not just book smart, but understanding the bigger picture and going for it. What happens when work slows down with the economy? She studies, learns, applies, and receives new designations, licenses, and certifications to put her ahead when things pick back up. Too bad more people and companies didn’t follow suit.

So Happy Birthday Gina. We may be half a country a part but the memories, lessons, appreciation, and love is never far from my heart.

Happy Birthday and I love you!

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5 things that have changed since I had kids

September 29, 2010

Sometimes it is hard for me to believe how much your life changes after you have children. Honestly there are too many to count, but here are some that stick out to me.

Abercrombie now makes me feel dirty…and old
Ok, I used to DJ a little. I love music and sometimes I still like cranking something up in my car, sans kids of course. But I can’t even hear myself think because how loud the music is in the store, not that I actually go into the store. Hell, all Abercrombie is to me any more is an annoyance on my way down to Gymboree. This is proof to me that teens can hear high pitch noises that adults can’t. How else do they communicate? Also, I’m over the 682-foot nudie dude photos pasted throughout the store. Pull up your pants, I mean your underwear, homie.

I wish I could remember what I did with my memory
OK, I’m guilty. I don’t know how many times I get to work and wonder how I got there. This was funny in college when I was drinking and couldn’t figure out why I had someone’s shoes on in the morning or how I was now the owner of a 1991 Second Place Water Polo trophy, but now, sober, at 34? I’m sure this has nothing to do with having two kids under three and random sleeping and eating patterns. Ok, sorry, I lost my train of thought, what are we talking about?

I can’t listen to rap any more
I have a daughter. I have a 2 Live Crew CD. I have a daughter. I USED to have a 2 Live Crew CD.

Friday Night Lights…are out by 10:30
I used to think it was funny to watch my parents fall asleep watching TV as I was headed out for the evening. Wow, I joined the club a lot sooner than I thought I would.

I know the BRAT diet
Diarrhea used to be a great excuse to miss class, work, or any other event that outweighed the embarrassment for falsely telling someone you had the quick-step, Big D, or whatever you call it. Now the D word is something more serious, so serious the world created an acronym to alleviate the condition. And to think, the first time I heard it I thought it stood for Be Right At The-toliet.

So how has your life changed?

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3 writing jobs that I’d like to have

September 13, 2010

Password cryptologist
I’m not even sure if that is a real title and I’m not sure these things are really done by people, but even so, it would be fun. I mean why not add some fun when filling out a credit card order or setting up a new online account? Here are some ideas:

Toilet passion
Eager phalanges
Baboon pressedham
Flushing dope
Wool dickey

These might also be great names for bands now that I look at them.

Writer for SkyMall products
Look I’m not saying that a planter that doubles as a cat’s litterbox or a yard Yeti needs persuasive copy to sell millions. I’m just saying you have to connect to an audience who really feels an emotional tug to buy a hearing aid that is also a police scanner and full body compression underwear that keeps you looking highschool reunion ready.

Brightfeet lighted slippers
Feel safe, secure, and ready for the next Rave with these lighted slippers! Scare the hell out of your kids when you “float” aimlessly into their room at 3am! Tired of missing the toilet? Try this in tandem with the floating ring of fire toilet target and you’ll find out why an enlarged prostate is fun!

Personalized license plate writer
I’m sure someone out there is the go-to person when you can’t think of one yourself. So why can’t that be me? Here is some of my finest work, in 7 letters or less, of course:

Golf Pro
Stroker

Pen maker
Uniball

BP Exec
MyBad

Peyton Manning
SeenmyD

Plastic Surgeon
oo 2 OO

I can dream, right?

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TMI at work… please stop the madness.

September 7, 2010

We have all been there. A co-worker harmlessly adds to a conversation and then starts sharing their lives’ most interesting and awkward moments.

I’m not sure if these people have no filter or they simply need affirmation that they might not be alone in their quest of universal weirdness.

I worked with a woman years ago when I was in college who not only had TMI syndrome but also was quite random when inserting her stories in otherwise normal conversation. One time she jumped in about how nice a local high school’s football field was. Nothing odd there, until she proceeded to comment “that is where Melvin first rang my bell.” Yikes. This was the same woman who openly talked about her struggles with what the doctors called, “a bit of a weight problem” and one summer went on and on about her raging hormones and possible start to menopause. Yeah the sweating had nothing to do with the fact 95% of her wardrobe was made out of Spandex and she walked to work.

Then there are the WebMD folks who get into the TMI zone. I once mentioned how much better I felt after going on one of my long runs. That sparked a peer to discuss a time they ate bad turkey and was using runs in a much different context. You also know you’re in trouble anytime the conversation starts out with a visit to anyone ending in gist: gyno, proctolo, gastro, etc. It never ends well and it always ends up with discussion around, well… someone’s end.

And we also have the dysfunctional family TMI abusers. These people have no problem with discussing drug abuse, prison, interesting tattoos (both design and location), and domestics. My favorite was a co-worker who went on and on about their niece and why couldn’t she marry a nice guy, get a concept of birth control (she had three kids to three different guys), and she should at least stop getting all the exes’ names tattooed on her. “You know those things are hard to remove.” And did I mention her niece was 17 at the time? I used to think Springer was set up, wow was I wrong.

Any good TMI moments today?